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Beauty treatments for couples
Got a bloke near you? Put down your chai tea and this week’s OK Magazine and ask him if he’s ever been to a couple’s beauty treatment. Maybe 1 in 50 will have done it, and odds are it was either A) Valentines B) their girlfriend’s birthday or C) they’re Zac Effron.
FACT: men don’t do them. Couple’s beauty treatments are like Ke$ha – we don’t know what they are and we’re kind of scared of them. Well, stand back ladies, because last week I took a bullet for all of dude-dom. Last week I adjusted my codpiece, shouted, “Yes! I am comfortable with my apparent masculinity”, threw me ol’ mam in the back of the Prius and whisked her (read: my mother) away for a couple’s beauty treatment.
The waiting room was a sad little faux-wood reception area with two fold-out chairs and some faded glamour posters that could have been the office of a D-grade 70s porn producer called Graham. Sure, it was depressing, but it belied the magic that happened in the adjoining room. Mum and I lay down on beds separated by a plastic shower curtain and for the next two hours a Lilliputian Asian lady treated my body like a carnival.
- The Hot Stone Massage– this is where you lie face down and they place igneous stones plucked from the slope of a nearby volcano onto key pressure points on your back and after an initial steak-like sizzling you get all relaxy and fall asleep.
- The Face Steam & Clean– you close your eyes and they get one of those garment steamers dry cleaners use and wave it up and down your face ‘til the pores are spread wide open and panting and screaming to be taken now, dammit. Then they get all up in your business with a hot towel and it feels gooood, like teenager on a Saturday night down at the disco good. And then you fall asleep.
- The Facial– not the kind I was expecting, but a process where the lady scoops up various handfuls of interesting-smelling gloop and paints them on your face one after the other like she’s taking a plaster mold. If you’re not moisturised after this you never will be.
- The Blackhead Wand AKA The Cattle Prod– a form of torture pioneered in Japanese POW camps whereby an electrified rapier is dug into your face over and over again, ostensibly to cleanse the pores but really, there has to be a less painful way to do this, right guys? Anyone? Bueller?
- The Manicure– now this one felt excessive. Nails are nails, right? Give them a spit and a polish and off you go. But oh my, no. Proper maintenance actually entails buffing, sandpapering, scrubbing, scouring, waxing, glazing, glossing, and then getting a small, sharp knife and digging into the corners to, I don’t know, teach them a stern lesson or something.
An hour and a half later you’re completely exfoliated and utterly emasculated and sent on your merry way. I did feel cleaner than I had been in years, though. And mater loved it. And because I’m a dirty sycophantic little mama’s boy, that made me happy. Score one for the little porn studio that could.
Have you ever had a couples beauty treatment? Do you know any men who enjoy a bit of pampering?