Hair products for men
I have a hundred thousand tiny Bravehearts living on top of my head. Wily, wiry, indestructible William Wallaces who bow down to no man and fight tip and follicle for freedom each and every second of their tiny existences.
I don’t ‘do’ my hair. I wrestle it. You know that Horse Whisperer guy who prances about breaking in wild broncos? Biggest sissy around. Give him five minutes trying to wrangle my big ol’ merkin into shape and he’ll run home sobbing for mummy and flailing his arms about like those wacky waving inflatable tube men you see outside car dealerships.
Brushes? Useless. Combs? Don’t bother. All of which leave me wholly dependent on hair product. It’s a profound and deeply complex relationship. This week I tried out a bunch of different stuff, including some brightly-packaged Moosehead hair products.
Sure, it’s kinda ‘80s, and yeah, use too much and you’ll be the proud owner of a lacquered stack-hat à la vintage Ray Martin, but hey, sometimes you need that Selleys-hold wet look baby, am I right or am I right? Perfect for prohibition parties, reality TV shows and Essex boy bands.
When I’ve just jumped out of the shower and my hair is fluffier than a Danielle Steele novel this is my go-to gear. The Moose’s Texture Paste Dirty Hold is where it’s at – it’s got the strongest hold and I need that kinda horsepower to go toe-to-toe with my raging pate party. Plus the matte finish reminds me of my business cards. And I really like my business cards.
For those occasions when you absolutely, positively need no hair out of place. Like a first date. Or a state funeral. Pretend your head is drywall and you’re a drunk plasterer. Don’t be shy now. I dig the beeswax in Moosehead’s Hard Core Wax because nature and stuff. Yeah it might need a coupla goes to wash out, but you went all night without big ol’ douche hair, so who cares?
The X Factor
Here are my biggest problems: 1) After I’ve been using something for a few weeks my hair figures out its weakness, and that product won’t work again. And 2) If there’s the barest hint of humidity – say, at a sweaty nightclub, or anywhere in Bali – my hair devolves into mean, ugly curls that swirl and rage across my head like an angry ocean. Looking at my hair makes people seasick. One woman once vomited on my shoes. They were suede. Enter Moosehead’s Demon Dust. The little salt shaker thingy it comes in says, “Thicken-up Styling Powder”. What the hell does that mean, right? You tap it on like talcum powder, rub it in and BAM, dry hair you can style without any hideous greasiness. No, I don’t know how it works. What do I look like, a scientist? I just know that it does. And it’s small enough to fit in my leather man satchel, if I was the kind of guy that carried one. I’m not though. OR AM I? Nah, I’m not.
How do you tame your mane? What hair products would you recommend for unruly locks?