The A-Z of bad hair

A leading hair care brand recently set up a website where you can dob in a guy with bad hair. Now, having never had a good haircut in my life, I feel like I’m something of an authority on the subject, and so this week I’m going to run you through an A-Z of hair crimes, a rogues gallery of the best, the baddest, the most bogan barnetts ever to besmirch a bonce.

The Comb-over

I’m actually pretty fond of this one. They just can’t let it go, can they? And what the heck, why should they? You go for it old fella, you sweep that wispy curtain right over your big ol’ egg head, fashion be damned. I particularly like when some guy’s comb-over starts waving at me in the wind, it’s both friendly and hilarious.  

The Fauxhawk

Betcha, ah, betcha you had one of these in your mid-20s, didn’t you, big guy? I mean, it looked great on Becks during the World Cup, didn’t it? And we convinced ourselves that we looked good in it too, didn’t we? But we did not. No, no we did not.

The Fade

Kind of like The Step (read about The Step below), but with a little more self-respect. I think one of the Backstreet Boys (Howie? Abs? Balls?) sported one of these right before he succumbed to meth addiction. I joke.

The Mullet

The classic. Business at the front, party at the back. If there was any greater pleasure than having some Shazza from the community college down the road run her stumpy fingers through your pimped-out neck warmer, I never discovered it. Timeless.

The Octopus

A Rat’s Tail on steroids. Instead of just one greasy little neck snake, you’ve got a whole dirty family of them, and you put gel in them so they curl when it gets humid because that’s sexy, isn’t it? ISN’T IT?

The Ponytail

Just what is it you think you’re doing, exactly? You’re a full-grown man. Just because all the other 35-year old virgins in the I.T. department have one, doesn’t mean you need one too. Do you have any idea what you look like? And you there, rock guy. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Metallica. Let it go. And stop with the black, you’re not in mourning. Unless you are, in which case I’ll let it slide.

The Rat’s Tail

You still see some Rattys out and about, usually at weekend markets and the occasional train station. Sure, their heyday is long gone, but you can’t keep a bad cut down forever. 

The Step

Gone, but not forgotten. Remember this bad boy? Yeah you do. Bowl cut on top, then cut in around about ear level with a tapered shave down to your neck. You know who wore a step best? Those guys from the band Steps. And by best I mean worst. Lucky their music was good. Oh wait no it wasn’t. How very sad.

The Undercut

Ohhh yeah, how sick was this guy? Mad sick, that’s how. Such a thrill walking around with a shaved head that nobody could see because it was covered by long hair on top. They didn’t know. But you did, didn’t ya, sport? And it made you feel like a big man at the skate ramp, even if you never learned how to ollie properly.

And hey, I’m not the kind of guy that comes to you with problems and nothin’ else. I also bring solutions. Yes, solutions! If I liked puns, I’d say something like “Here are some ideas to give bad hair the flick”, but I don’t and I won’t, so if you don’t want bad hair here are some places recommended by online city guide Yelp.com.au, which has reviews from real punters:
 

For the Men:
 

Frank Provost (Crows Nest)
“To (not really) paraphrase the great Jedi hair stylist (at weekends) Master Obi Wan: this is Le Salon you're looking for. I handed over the reigns entirely and Natasha just did her thing. If you're looking for confident, highly-skilled, charismatic stylists – go and see Natasha and her crew. They rule.” NEIL C.

For Women:

Partners Hair Workshop (Glebe)
“I was offered a glass of wine while I sat down for my consultation (which turned into 2, I mean, right?). I ended up with a kickass haircut and a new possible best friend. The cut was a great one – well-shaped, good layering and the perfect amount of fringe. Go see Max, he's definitely a kick and the boy knows his scissors.” LEAH W.

What is the worst male haircut in your opinion? Did a guy you know sport any pearlers back in the day?

By Benjamin Barnett