Paws for thought
The saying goes that you can tell a man by his shoes. By the same token, I say you can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. It was my nan that schooled me in the basics of 'manicure analytics' – the neat glossiness of the nail reveals just how much time a woman has on her hands, she used to say.
And when I had my palm read recently, I saw the future laid out before me...
Now, I'm the biggest sceptic ever (I kind of suspect Madame Zora wasn't my mystic-for-hire's real name), but it was just plain creepy how specific my palm reading was. Analysing my doubled head and life lines, Zora nailed my latent control freakery and blatant obsession with shiny things. She even said I should check in with the dentist because of a calcium deficiency (I think she may have cheated on this one – I have white flecks in my nails) and swore that I'll have three children within the next four years. That's pretty scarily specific.
But that's not even what freaked me out most. Flipping my hands over and studying them like a book, Zora whispered mysteriously that I had "hands older than their years". Scepticism suspended. I was enthralled. Could she see my past lives? Could she see the spiritual wisdom of my old soul?
"No," said Zora, flatly. "They just look old. You need more hand cream."
So much for spiritual, huh? I'm back into the science.
And 'handcials'. From this day forward, I'll be exfoliating twice weekly (L'Occitane's Shea Softening Hand Scrub has age-defying antioxidants) and soaking myself, palms to elbows, in hand lotion every day. My cream of choice? Nivea DNage Anti-Age Hand Care. It packs face-worthy doses of folic acid and creatine to make sure my DNA is firing on all skin-renewing cylinders and SPF 15 to guard against sun damage and age spots. I'm clawing back the years with my own two hands!
So take that, Madame Zora. And this: science says that white flecks as a sign of calcium deficiency is a myth. Now let's just hope you struck out on the three kids thing too. I've only got a one-bedroom apartment.